Parodies and Songs I may someday Parody, A Poem based on "the Raven", and a joke or two

Some of the songs or poems for which I have written a parody.
  • I've Driven every one Parody of I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash
  • Spying Parody of Crying by Roy Orbison
  • Lone Tar Blues Parody of Lonestar Blues by Delbert McClinton.
  • My EV1 Parody of 409 by the Beach Boys
  • Sorrow by Pink Floyd (not a parody, but relevant)"
  • Drill Offshore - Parody of the poem The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe
  • The Heavenly Ducks About the best golfing joke around.
  • Wonderful Girl - Parody of Wonderful World by Sam Cooke.
  • Betcha by Golly, Pow Parody of Betcha by Golly Wow by the Styleistics.

    • "Every one"
    Parody of I've Been Everywhere by Johnny Cash.

    I was stuck in a traffic jam on the thirty-seven interstate
    When there comes a red convertible with a driver who did state
    His Caddy was a dreamy car,It was his finest ride.
    So I said I was a dealer, and I told him that with pride
    He asked me if I'd had a car with so much style and class
    And I said, "Listen Bud. I've driven every car. Funny you should ask!"

    I've driven every one, man
    I've driven every one, man
    Drove every one I swear, man
    I've breathed that new car smell, man
    Autos - drove them here and there, man
    I've driven every one.

    I've driven a:
    Yugo, Alero, Cargo
    Infiniti
    Geo, Winnebego, Tahoe
    Mitsubishi
    Mercury, Denali, Cherokee, Super Duty
    Envoy, C R V, L T D, Carrera GT,
    'Stang II, Subaru, Malibu
    A GTO, Sorento, Murano, Volvo
    A lot of dealers I know

    I've driven every one, man
    I've driven every one, man
    Drove every one I swear, man
    I've breathed that new car smell, man
    Autos - drove them here and there, man
    I've driven every car.

    I've driven a:
    Sedan, Caravan, Nissan
    Safari Wagon,
    Porche Cayenne
    Grand Am, Astro Van
    Alfa Romeo, Durango, Alero, Milano
    Venture Van
    Maxima, Altera, Sentra
    Toyo Avalon
    Bonneville, DeVille, Seville
    Xterra, Achieva, Bravada, Montana
    Oh Susannah!

    I've driven every car, man
    I've driven every car, man
    Drove every one I swear, man
    I've breathed that new car smell, man
    Autos - drove them here and there, man
    I've driven every car.

    I've driven a:
    Highlander, Spyder, Boxter
    Solara
    4 Runner, Rainier, X L R
    Equinox
    Corvette, Chevette, Element
    Odyssy
    Elantra, Sonata, Miata
    Avanti
    Sorento, Montego, Colorado, Chevy Aveo
    Silverado, Monte Carlo
    See where I can go

    I've driven every one, man
    I've driven every one, man
    Drove every one I swear, man
    I've breathed that new car smell, man
    Autos - drove them here and there, man
    I've driven every car.

    I've driven a:
    Cruiser, Explorer, Ascender
    Monterro
    Wrangler, Navigator, Aviator
    Eldorado
    Town Car, Armored Card
    Caddilaced, Taxi hacked
    Frontier, Cavalier, Mountaineer, Wagoneer
    Spectra, Impala, Dakota,
    Mitsubishi, Audi, Century, Bucket T
    In Detroit City

    I've driven every car, man
    I've driven every car, man
    Drove every one I swear, man
    I've breathed that new car smell, man
    Autos - drove them here and there, man
    [ Is there a make you haven't drove? ]
    I've driven every one.


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    "Spying"
    Based on "Crying" by Roy Orbison
    In 2007, my computer got full of little spybots, so I wrote this to make folks aware of the plague of spybots.

    You looked all right
    for a while.
    A zipped file
    made me smile.
    But you did it last night,
    you snooped me left and right
    data went to those you know
    Oh you worked so swell,
    I couldn't tell

    That you'd been spy-i-i-ing

    on me too.
    Spy-i-i-ing
    on me too.
    then you spammed anon,
    left me crawling along
    along with spying.
    Spying.
    Spying.
    Spy-i-ing.

    Starting you up can send
    my info to the men
    who are Spying


    I thought that I
    got rid of you
    but its you,
    yes you
    You're gathering even more
    than you did before,
    but darn it what can I do
    For you spy on me,
    and I will never see

    spy-i-ing on me, spy-i-ing on me.
    I cant make you gone,
    and from this mess I belong
    while you'll be spy-ing,
    spying
    spying,
    spy-i-iing
    yeah spy---ing,
    spying,
    on... me.
    now.

    Lone Tar Blues:
    parody of Lonestar blues, by Delbert McClinton.

    Lone TAR was a software program designed to do backups on Unix Systems.
    TAR means Tape Archive and Restore.

    At a SCOBox in San Antonio,
    I saw a message 'bout this error code,
    Couldn't set the bit to Low,
    So I tried to let it ride.

    I was looking in /usr/local/bin,
    Trying to grep who why and when.
    Figured this was easier than Win,
    'cause the daemon's on my side.

    I was cattin' myself one hell of a file,
    When I ended up in the pile,
    'Cause that danged old drive just up an' died,
    Before I made another backup.

    An' I got them old Unix blues,
    Thought I'd done all my do's.
    Then them Young Linux blues,
    Told me sir you can't who.
    Had them Mandrake Linux blues,
    An' then Free BSD too.
    I've done all I know to do,
    To try to lose,
    To try to lose. . . these Unix Admin Blues.

    I got locked out of my /usr/root,
    And I can't find the folder /boot,
    I lost my echo an' my excludes,
    Gamblin' on an upgrade package.

    There ain't no nodes here in the battle,
    So I got a package for grep and tattle,
    By some outfit from Seattle,
    Doing AV warez.

    An' I got them old Unix blues,
    Thought I'd done all my do's.
    Then them Young Linux blues,
    Told me sir you can't who.
    Had them Mandrake Linux blues,
    An' then Free BSD too.
    I've done all I know to do,
    To try to lose,
    To try to lose these Unix Admin Blues.

    Instrumental break.

    I gave a notice and packed up my scripts.
    Cause I got a good job tip.
    I said Server Farm's where I'll go:
    You never know, they may be armored.

    Got my shell set to /bin/bash,
    Had my ftp showin' hash.
    I suspect it's a system crash,
    At this time it just won't ping.

    An' I got them old Unix blues,
    Thought I'd done all my do's.
    Then them Young Linux blues,
    Told me sir you can't who.
    Had them Mandrake Linux blues,
    An' then Free BSD too.
    I've done all I know to do,
    To try to lose,
    To try to lose these Unix Admin Blues.


    I've done all I know to do,
    Tryin' to lose,
    Tryin' to lose these Unix Admin blues.

    Version two: "The ISO BLUES" (still in progress)

    At a software hut in San Antonio,
    I saw a flyer 'bout this ISO,
    Next week they're comin' said the CEO,
    So I signed up to write.

    Compliance inspector was coming in,
    Heard he'd failed couple back then.
    Figured this was a task I could learn,
    'Cause the internet's at my side.

    I was havin' to heard cats on this new gig,
    When I ended up in the office of Mr. Big.
    They said they weren't happy with my work,
    And they sent me packin'.

    An' I got them I S O blues,
    Thought I'd paid all my dues.
    Then them test plan blues,
    Told me son you ain't through.
    Had them quality plan blues,
    An' then Requirements, too.
    I've done all I know to do,
    To try to lose,
    To try to lose these I S O blues.

    I got downsized at the Cyber place,
    Tried to get back in the employment race ,
    I lost my pride an' my esteem,
    Gettin cut with so little grace.

    There's no computer jobs here in River City,
    So I got on part-time hanging siding,
    With a neighbor from Georgia,
    Who used to build custom homes.

    Well, I got them I S O blues,
    Thought I'd paid all my dues.
    Then them Configuration blues,
    Told me son you ain't through.
    Had them Requirements blues,
    An' then Test Plans too.
    I've done all I know to do,
    Tryin' to lose,
    Tryin' to lose these I S O blues.



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    EV1
    parody of "409" by the Beach Boys

    She's was fun my EV1
    She's was fun my EV1
    My EV1

    GM made it her as CARB defined
    (She so fun, my EV1)
    GM's lawsuit was won with lyin'
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    So now they want to take my EV1
    (EV1, EV1)
    G.M., Please don't take my EV1
    (Don't Crush, Don't Crush EV1)
    Dont Crush my EV1
    (G.M., Please don't take my EV1)
    Don't crush my EV1
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    Don't crush...

    No emissions from her
    Zero emmisions from my EV1
    EV1 ooooo
    (Don't crush Don't crushoooo)
    (Don't crush Don't crushoooo)
    (Don't crush Don't crushoooo)
    (Don't crush Dont Crush)

    When I drove her to work she used no gas
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    All the gas stations we could pass
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    My long range, plug in, all electric EV1
    (EV1, EV1, EV1, EV1)

    G.M. Please don't take my EV1
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    Don't Crush my EV1
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    Don't Crush my EV1
    (Please don't take my EV1)
    We need EVs

    Big oil hated her
    So GM axed my EV1
    (EV1 EV1 EV1 EV1)
    Dont Crush my EV1
    (EV1 EV1 EV1 EV1)
    Dont Crush my EV1
    (EV1 EV1 EV1 EV1)


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    Sorrow - by Pink Floyd

    This was written in the seventies, when we could see pollution. I think a new verse about offshore pollution may be in order.

    The sweet smell of a great sorrow lies over the land
    Plumes of smoke rise and merge into the leaden sky:
    A man lies and dreams of green fields and rivers,
    But awakes to a morning with no reason for waking

    He's haunted by the memory of a lost paradise
    In his youth or a dream, he can't be precise
    He's chained forever to a world that's departed
    It's not enough, it's not enough

    His blood has frozen & curdled with fright
    His knees have trembled & given way in the night
    His hand has weakened at the moment of truth
    His step has faltered

    One world, one soul
    Time pass, the river rolls

    It's not enough it's not enough
    His hand has faltered
    .... .... ......

    And he talks to the river of lost love and dedication
    And silent replies that swirl invitation
    Flow dark and troubled to an oily sea
    A grim intimation of what is to be

    There's an unceasing wind that blows through this night
    And there's dust in my eyes, that blinds my sight
    And silence that speaks so much louder that words,
    Of promises broken

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    Drill Offshore.
    based on "The Raven" by Edgar Allan Poe

    Written in 2008 after Newt and Sarah chanted
    "Drill here, drill now, pay less".

    Once upon a Chevron station, I swiped my card for automation,
    The price was soaring high and petrol pricing gone too far,
    Longing for the price we all knew
    Still I pumped their, magic stew
    I took the nozzle from the inlet
    Placed it gently in the hole, and prayed I wouldn't sell my soul
    The receipt had bad news in store
    "It now costs more"


    Deep into my wallet peering, long I sat there wondering, fearing,
    Doubtin while the counter was spinning, turning yet to cost some more.
    "Dang!" I said, "You cursed Chevron! Take my money more and more!"
    One thing did the receipt answer, only this and nothing more. Just
    "Drill Offshore"


    With my tank full and fuming
    Slowly toward the drivers side resuming,
    Longing for a better outcome, hoping that the price will fall,
    Praying for some sympathy
    Timidly, I turned the key
    But on the receipt there still persisted words appearing as before
    Ghastly grim it snidely taunted, haunted as my patience wore, saying
    "Drill Offshore"


    I tried to to think of ways to hoarde
    I gently pressed and then went forward
    I gently rolled my limousine. I winced, and cried, and then I swore.
    Now in desperation, thinking of that jubilation, The thought of electrification,
    we had done it once before.
    But my car was one of the addicted, asking for the drink once more. Saying
    "Drill Offshore"

    There I sat, befuddled, captive of my own machine, remorseful
    Thinking I turned away and placed the car in drive once more.
    And then I saw a dreadful sight. The Chevron sign was there in sight. The
    Prices was going even higher. Higher than ever before. To stop,
    "Drill Offshore"


    To this day I have no clue
    Where gasoline prices are going to.
    What demonic evil cartel could bring us to this pricing Hell
    Beyond the price of working souls, what price we pay for this black gold.
    But as sure as there's GM, Chrysler, Toyota, and Ford,
    You will one day wander on some oily coastal shore, and wonder,
    "Why did we drill Offshore?"


    `Rapist!' said I, `Company of evil!' - plundering woodlands near and far
    Poisoning that Sea that touches our coastline - kills the creatures , leaves a scar
    Tell the stockholders we want tomorrows, bright with sunshine, not hindered by the smell of tar
    Tell Lutz and Mullaly, we need solutions, not rhetoric as we had before -
    make Hybrid autos, make our cars go further, mix electric they can do more'
    There is no need to Drill Offshore.


    I think that the truth of drilling was told, by the time the results were to unfold
    Our enemy becomes a richer, as now we must buy more than before.
    We continue our ignorance of what we have done
    Leaving our enemies richer, bolder and greedy for more.
    Bring back our troops, bring them home once more.
    Heavenly Ducks
    My favorite golfing joke.

    Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven. Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks. The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks "The ducks?"

    "Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are millions of ducks walking around the course and if one gets hit, he squawks then the one next to him squawks and soon they're all raising hell and it really breaks the tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you'll be punished, otherwise everything is yours to enjoy."

    After entering the course, the men noted that there was indeed a gaggle of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit one of them.

    The duck squawked, the one next to it squawked and soon there was a deafening roar of duck quacks. St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asked "Who hit the duck?" The one who had done it admitted "I did."

    Immediately, St. Peter pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.

    The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman than before. St. Peter determined which one had hit the duck by the fear in his face, and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks", he said. "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity."

    The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even move for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn't hit a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, said "Wow, what have I done to deserve this?"

    The woman responded "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

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    What a wonder full girl
    Parody of Wonderful World by Sam Cooke

    (2008)
    Don't know much about history
    Not interested in biology
    Got no use for any science book
    See the Russians when out I look


    But I do know that I'll lead you
    And If you follow you can be me too
    What a wonder full girl, that's me.


    Don't know much about paleology
    Don't like to hear Darwin's theory
    Don't want a bridge goin' to nowhere
    Don't want to return the money from there.


    So I rejected that bridge for you
    And if I could be your "number two"
    What a magical world I foresee.


    Now, I will claim to be a maverick
    That's what I'm claiming to be.
    So maybe by claiming that I'm a maverick
    I can get you to vote for me.


    Don't know much about e-theory
    Don't want to see Darwin's tree
    Don't know much about a science book
    Don't discuss the Ussher* hook


    But I do know that I'm for you
    And I know that if I'm your number two
    You could raise your kids like me.


    La ta ta ta ta ta ta
    (Archeology)
    Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
    (E Theory)
    La ta ta ta ta ta ta
    (Science Sucks)
    Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh
    (Money I took)


    But I know Barack's a terrorist
    Those anti-Americans are on my list
    Join my group and get me to DC.


    Paleology: the study of (especially prehistoric) antiquities
    *In 1640 Ussher produced his famous calculation that the Earth was created in 4004 BC
    Evolution is a fact, not theory, and details of the process are the argument. It is a fact that the earth is more than 4.5 billion years old.
    Sarah thinks the earth is 6000 years old . How can we trust someone with a Creationist View to make decisions on science and technology?
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    Betcha, By Golly, Pow

    Parody ofBetcha By Golly Wow by The Stylistics


    There's a wink that's magic from your eyes.
    Republicans cheer each time you smile.
    Never thought those science tales were true.
    But they will hear, and they will fear you


    You're a meanie in disguise.
    Full of slander to demise,
    and,
    Chorus:
    Betcha, By golly, pow
    You're the one that they've been waitin' for
    forever
    And ever will our votes for you
    Keep growin' strong,
    keep growin' strong


    Say the scientists have gone too far
    Just six thousand years old is all we are
    Was God's will the pipeline was made
    They pulled it together for you,
    Oil companies will fear you.


    When you do there is no try
    Ask Exxon the reason why,
    cause,
    (Chorus)
    Betcha, By Golly, Pow
    You're the one that they've been praying for
    Forever
    And ever will their lust for you
    Keep growin' strong,
    keep growin' strong

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    If you have a recommendation, please send it along.
    John Penry
    email:
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